Welcome to my blog! Don't forget my Guest Book!

In the coming weeks I will begin to outline some of my favorite things in the world. These are all items or ideas that make me giggle, feel good about myself, or just plain entertain me. I think a great way to start things off is to explore one of the defining commodities of my childhood: Infomercials!

I grew up for 18 and a half years of my life with 13 channels on my color CRT television. This mean I had NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, and a few PBSs. These stations, unlike the cable stations, only provide a broad spectrum of content, unlike say Comedy Central which focuses on comedies. On Saturday and Sunday afternoons, after they had exhausted their supplies of normal programing, the local affiliate was left with no choice but to whole themselves out to the mercy of infomercials.

Some of my best memories come from infomercials. There was Quick and Brite, the first product I really remember, and one of the only products that my mother actually purchased. I fondly remember on night when my old dog, a black lab named Maggie, loosing her bowls on our living room carpet while my parents were out of the house. I knew exactly what to do! I grabbed the Quick and Brite and, in between bouts of furious cursing (too furious for a 10 year old, many would argue), I was able to lift that shit right out of the carpet!

Who could forget the George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine? Why this even exists, I’m not quite sure, as it will remove more of the juices from your food than you knew existed, but it was inescapable on the airwaves. George’s charisma managed to leak out of the TV until you felt like you were in the ring with him, but he was going to let you win the fight just this once! I purchased one of these at a thrift store, and who knew, it actually does cook your food. You just have to settle for smashed sandwiches, dry burgers, and small portions. George also named each one of his 5 sons George. Like his own name. George.

OxiClean literally made the career of Billy Mays. I don’t need to say very much about this, as we can still hear Billy in his LA studio yelling his lines from the teleprompter. The stuff works pretty decently though.

However, my all time favorite infomercial is, without a doubt, the Miracle Blade 3: Perfection Series with Chef Tony (who went onto fame and fortune with the Magic Bullet infomercial). This infomercial had it all - the black and white filmed “struggling knife user”, the “real customer testimonies”, the absurd yet feasible uses for the knife, and a host who knew his shit and just wanted to share some information with you. Also, he wears that hat that chefs wear, so you know he is legit. I watched this half hour ad more times than I could possibly recount. The set came with any type of knife you would ever need, and several that you would have to go out of the way to use. There was the Rock n’ Chop, which Chef Tony had put a holding knob on so you could chop better, the Chop n’ Scoop that would fuck up your world, and then the cream of the crop, the gold standard of knives, the Miracle Blade 3 itself. Also, if you called within the next 20 minutes, they would give you a free additional Miracle Blade 3 that you could totally keep even if you returned the original set of knives. I may still purchase one of these before I die.

To cap things off, check out this list of 41 Characters you Always See in Infomercials